The Epic Late-Night Grocery Run

Just a few of the many wondrous things espied in the hallowed aisles of Safeway at 2 a.m.

Hmm. Looks like there's no cruising the state highway for me tonight.

Clearly it's time for AN EPIC LATE-NIGHT GROCERY RUN!

Behold our destination, and the focus of this evening's shenanigans.

As Hemingway might have put it, a keen well-lighted place.

Regular ol' chorizo sorta skeeves me (good luck finding "salivary glands" and "lymph nodes" elsewhere in the butcher block), but soyrizo is pretty darn high on the o_O scale.

Durnit, Ma! Dracula's been and got at the carrots agin.

No offense meant -- I've had some of this stuff and it really is delicious -- but Giardiniera bottles always look like, "OK, whatever you empty outta the bottom of the crisper bin, it's gettin' pickled."

Ever wonder why they're called "jimmies?"

Come to think of it, I haven't heard from Jim lately.

Back to Nature vs. Bear Naked granola... how's a nudist hippie supposed to choose?

Mystery Meat Markdown, or as we called it back in high school, "the Used Food section."

That tears it, the economy is officially in the dumper.

I mean, I do like casseroles and make them occasionally, but an entire magazine dedicated to their creation? Seriously?

By the way, the genius who managed to get the phrase "Healthy hot forkfuls" onto the cover should be knighted forthwith.

"What did you have for breakfast, dear?"

"Oh, a big satisfying glass of Chocolate Nutritional Drink."

Then again, you could make far worse choices for breakfast.

Fine. I still say NO to celery. And vampire parsnips for that matter.

'80s-era Phil Collins, call your office; we have located your missing hobo gloves.

Why yes, I do live in the land of computer programmers. Why do you ask?

Jeez. Next they'll be peddling Espresso Eggnog and Pomegranate Eggnog and Eggnog Quiche and all manner of quasi-egg-based liquid holiday monstrosities. The madness stops here!

For friends in Utah: behold the aisle of hooch.

Not shown: the aisle of specialty coffee.

Also not shown: the in-store Starbucks and the three other Starbucks stores within a 500-yard radius of this supermarket. You think I'm joking, don't you.

Safeway's graphic designers have managed to create a store-brand soda logo that is an almost perfect variation of the Generic Soda logos usually seen in the movies. Kudos!

...and if there's anything left over after making giardiniera, toss it into the mortadella!

Aw, look, it's a Japanese capsule hotel.

And of course, no trip would be complete without the purchase of VITAMINS!