When it's time for the talk about Santa

 

Sooner or later your kid will ask about Santa Claus, and it's better to plan how you'll respond before that day comes.

I firmly believed in Santa Claus until I was 10 years old. There was no reason for me to doubt his existence. Every year on December 5, my siblings and I would leave our shoes out for him, and on the morning of Sinterklaasfeest they'd be filled with candy and small toys. Every year on Christmas Eve, we'd leave our notes and cookies for him, and on Christmas Day not only would our stockings be filled and the cookies nibbled at, but Santa always left a letter for us. It was written in an ornate, old-fashioned hand, telling us how much he enjoyed visiting our house and reminding us that our elf would be checking up on us to make sure we were good children.

We knew about our elf, too. The elf assigned to our family was named Archibald, and he would regularly leave us little notes and treats around the house if we were being good. My father would have frequent run-ins with Archibald, who liked to play pranks on him. All my cousins knew their elves' names, too: Gus, Elmer, Barnstable ...

These things were as indisputably real to me as my parents, my siblings, my home. When kids at school began to brag that they knew the real truth about Santa Claus, I wouldn't believe it. Maybe their parents really did bring their toys, but I knew that the real Santa visited our family. On rare occasions, though, I would have my doubts, and I'd ask my mom if Santa were a real person. Her answer was always the same -- "What do you think?"

The Christmas I was 10 and a bit more skeptical, I cornered Mom and demanded an unequivocal answer. She tried to put me off with the "what do you think" response again, but I told her it didn't matter what I thought, I just wanted to know the truth. And, unready to explain all the particulars to her oldest child, she just blurted out the first thing that came into her head: "No, he isn't real."

It was almost as devastating to me as finding out a friend had died. That year my parents encouraged me to help fill the stockings, but a light inside me had been snuffed out.

Considering the pain of that first Christmas without Santa, I've asked myself whether it's wise even to have the tradition of Santa Claus. I've heard all the arguments against it -- that it's painful for some kids (such as myself) when they find out, that kids are less likely to trust their parents, that Santa Claus distracts from the true meaning of Christmas anyway.

On the other hand, I remember with great fondness the absolute belief in a loving, magical being who visited us every year. I invested a lot of time and imagination thinking about Santa and his wife and the elves. I don't think it's right to deny imaginative children that chance for wonder to flourish. It's probably not wise to spend much time and energy reinforcing a false belief, as my parents did, but the tradition produces a joy I think every child should have the chance to experience. And if we start discouraging the need for fantasy even in the very young, we cheat children of their childhood.

So if you choose to honor the tradition of Santa Claus with your kid or kids, at some point you'll have to talk with them -- when your kid, like 10-year-old me, will want to know the truth. And you'll probably want to be better prepared for that eventuality than my mother was. So here's what I suggest.

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Get into neutral territory where you and your kid can talk one-on-one without being interrupted. (When Miss V and I had this talk, we took a car ride together.) That way, you can tell them this story in your own words:

Once upon a time there was a man called Nicholas of Myra, who lived nearly two thousand years ago. Nicholas was a good man, born into a wealthy family, and he liked to help people whenever he could. But the stories about him say he was shy and modest, so he would usually do his good deeds in secret. There are many stories about his good deeds. One time, Nicholas helped three young women who couldn't get married because they had no dowry money. Nicholas came to their house at night and secretly threw bags of gold into the house. In some versions of this story, he climbed up on the roof and tossed the bags of gold down the chimney, and one of the bags fell into the stockings they had washed and hung up to dry by the fire that night. But because he lived such a long time ago, we're not sure how many stories about Nicholas are true and how many are made up. What we do know is that people loved Nicholas for his kindness and his good deeds, and when he died (as everyone does), the Christians made him a saint. And it became a tradition, whenever someone secretly did some good deed for another person, to say "Saint Nicholas must have done it."

Saint Nicholas became connected to Christmastime because his particular feast day, December 6, is close to Christmas. In the Netherlands, his feast day is the day children receive gifts, because Saint Nicholas was also a special protector of children. He is also known there as "Sinterklaas," which is where we get the name "Santa Claus" from.

Now some of the stories you hear about Santa Claus -- that he lives at the North Pole and has reindeer and elves and that he goes all around the world in one night delivering presents -- those things were made up later. But there really was a Saint Nicholas who was kind and shy and secretly gave gifts. And there really is a spirit of Christmas and of selfless giving that we call Santa Claus, but it isn't just one person with a red suit and a beard. It's all the people who love you and want to do kind, loving things for you in secret, just like Saint Nicholas did.

And here's the best part. Now that you know who and what Santa Claus really is, you get to be Santa Claus too.

(Let me recommend that you and your new Santa Claus recruit go to the USPS Operation Santa website in late November or early December to read letters to Santa, pick one, and be Santa for another child or family during the Christmas season. Don't just leave a gaping hole where Santa once was; it helps when children can switch from one kind of tradition to another, and continuing the idea by emphasizing the spirit of selfless giving makes the tradition special in a different way.)

Merry Christmas to all, and thank you for coming to my Santa talk!