Monday, June 27, 2011

The definition of vile

One of the things I've started to discover, since becoming a cyclops, is just how many unscrupulous people are trying to make a quick buck from scamming the cyclops community. The ADA claims that keeping your blood sugar below 180 mg/dl is a healthy target. Sugar-free candies are usually made with maltitol despite the fact that this particular cheap sugar alcohol gives most people horrible diarrhea, and raises the blood sugar of the lucky few who don't get an atomic case of the runs. Certain companies which target diabetics and low-carb dieters offer a discount off your next order if you rave about their mediocre-to-barely-edible foodstuffs on your blog. (No fear of that happening; fool me once...) News outlets prematurely and inaccurately claim a super-low-calorie diet can "cure" Type 2 diabetes (take a close look at the total number of participants in this jaw-droppingly tiny study). And so on, and so on. It's frustrating, it's dishonest and it cheeses me off.

Here's the latest disappointment:
Hershey's Sugar Free Syrup. OK, so the Hershey name isn't exactly associated with haute cuisine, but when you're jonesing for something chocolatey, a squirt of regular Hershey's syrup on top of some vanilla ice cream or swirled into a glass of cold milk usually does the trick, right?

No! No, children! Run away! Run for the thicket! Don't look back!

Hershey's Sugar Free Syrup is sweetened with a combination of erythritol, acesulfame potassium and sucralose. Strangely, not shown in the ingredients list is some sort of eldritch ichor from Hades that gives the syrup a strange non-syrupy consistency, a weird chemical smell and an even weirder sharp, acrid aftertaste. Thanks to its super-mephitic nature, this syrup will not dissolve in cow's milk or almond milk, sullenly clumping to itself and refusing to mingle with the liquid no matter how long or how vigorously you stir in the attempt to get it to make friends. Or perhaps it's the milk itself that valiantly resists the viscous abomination in its midst. It was in fact so evil-tasting that I had to scrape the goop off my vanilla ice cream. In one word: vile. This product masqueraded under the good name of a better-tasting product to tempt me into buying it, but like all evil things it was ultimately a sham and a grave disappointment -- not to mention a thorough waste of my time, money and calories.

Although I'm not sure whether USPS restrictions on transporting hazardous waste will apply in this case, I'm still going to try packaging this bottle up and shipping it back to The Hershey Company, along with a letter telling them precisely what I think of it and of the whoreson villains responsible for marketing it. If they deign to respond, I'll post it here. In the meantime, if you're diabetic or you're just trying to avoid sugar consumption, DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT. IT IS UTTER CRAP.

You're welcome.


MarieC said...

Really, Sooz, you ought not to keep your emotions pent up like that. Please, let us know how you really feel! :-) (Thanks for the warning!)

Scarehaircare said...

Ugh girl. Come visit me. We shall experiment with my kitchen cauldron. If you like, we could also dabble in voodoo dolls.....

TimHart said...

you realy cant call yourself a cyclops though. just sayin. lol

Soozcat said...

Yeah, Tim, I know you own the cyclops thing. NONETHELESS, I'm sticking with it. :)